The Ghost Exists & So Do I
A self-portrait, performance and examination of my own feelings of being non-binary
Disipline: Photography | Location: Derby
www.ellhamm.photos/
@_el_13_
Ell Hammond is a non-binary artist based in Derby, who has created a powerful and poignant way to express the struggles they face in navigating life as a non-binary person. DSN Magazine is honoured that Ell has chosen our platform to share their story. In their project The Ghost Exists & So Do I, Ell reflects on the mockery they endure simply for being themselves, and the feeling of powerlessness that comes with not being able to defend their identity. We are grateful for the opportunity to amplify Ell’s voice, to foster understanding, and to help others gain insight into what it means to live as non-binary. This is Ell’s story...
My existence is questioned daily; who I am is mocked and belittled, ‘you really believe that?’. I can’t defend myself to the mass of hate, so I retreat and embody the being that I understand and that understands me – the Ghost. A self-portrait, performance and examination of my own feelings of being non-binary and how I am not readily accepted into this world. This artwork depicts the emphasis of this ghost character and how I feel and embody it. The Ghost is a safety blanket that I use to shelter myself; it’s how I keep going.
The Ghost symbolises all that people deem to be wrong with me, all my insecurities, all my worries. Despite this, the Ghost provides comfort to me. Few people know that I am non-binary, and this creative artwork allows me to break out from under the safety blanket; it’s a difficult process but one I need to do.
I first realised I was non-binary in 2020- it was the pandemic; I had nothing else to do so why not examine in depth my disconnect with being born a woman but never really feeling like one?
I had just come out as queer the year prior so I was plunged into the wonderful world of the LGBTQIA+ community and I was finally feeling seen and happy to be a part of a community of people just like me, within this community I first heard the term of non-binary.
This opened up everything.
What do you mean there’s something other than male and female? I don’t have to have a gender that’s confined to certain rules? I could just exist? It was empowering, and I knew immediately that this was right for me.
Discovering I was non-binary came quite suddenly and unexpectedly; it was a blessing in many ways – I finally found a gender identity that suited exactly how I have felt for many years. It gave me a sense of purpose and allowed acceptance within myself that the way I felt was okay and that I wasn’t crazy.
My complicated, and sometimes hostile, relationship with femininity finally made a little bit more sense now and my detachment from girlhood since childhood became valid because I never really was a girl. All this realisation was life-changing; I felt so happy that these things I thought were all just in my head weren’t just nonsense. They were genuine feelings, and other people felt them too. Despite all this joy in my new discovery, however, I also had to come to terms with the way my life is now faced with more hate than it had before.
The societal views towards being non-binary (and any other LGBTQIA+ identities) is a wide spectrum, from intense love and support to hate, death threats and violence. Stories don’t stop appearing about transgender-based hate crimes and the thought that I now identified in a way that put me in that category was extremely scary.
How did I know that telling someone I was non-binary wouldn’t result in me getting attacked or at the very least verbally attacked? How did I know that the places I felt safe in would still be safe after I came out? These were, and still are, genuine fears of mine. Despite all this, most of all I was scared of the reactions of the people I care the most about.
My mum told me once that ‘maybe I should’ve been born a boy’, this was before I came out to her and her saying this took me completely by surprise. Was this her subconscious way of saying of saying it’s okay. It’s okay to be different, and it’s okay to not be a girl. I’d like to think so. Even if she never really knew why she said it, those words meant so much to me.
To me it was an acknowledgement that being a woman had never really looked right on me, it felt that she knew I was struggling, and she wanted me to know that. Although I’m not a man now, maybe she thought that being born male would have made more sense for me, make my gender confusion a little less, confusing. But should I have done? Would being male have helped my ongoing gender crisis? Or would I still have found being non-binary the best suit for me?
These are all hypotheticals and I’ll never know the answer. It’s difficult, I had such a good childhood, I have a happy life, good friendships, would I risk it all for a do over and a possible chance at being happy with my gender? I don’t know, it’s hard not to get caught up in the what If’s.
All these thoughts and emotions started to become so weighty and I needed something to help process what being non-binary meant to me, what worries I had about it, how I felt about myself, who I was, and my fear of coming out, so I turned to art.
My photography centres around my personal experiences of being non-binary, how I am still struggling to feel comfortable with who I am. How I feel the need to hide my identity away and act as female due to the masses of hate I see towards different gender identities.
One of the most frequent comments I see is not even complete hate or nastiness, it’s denial. A refusal to believe in anything other than the gender binary of male and female. Because being non-binary couldn’t possibly be real (the concept of a third gender has existed for thousands of years) and you are stupid and an idiot for thinking so. And you see other comments arguing with them, explaining what being non-binary is but sometimes when the idea of traditional gender norms has been so ingrained into your life, your upbringing, it’s hard to see past it. Change is terrifying but please just try and embrace a change you can help out so many people’s lives if you do.
To those who deny who I am, being non-binary is real. It is real because I feel it. It’s real because it’s who I am.
This all culminated into the project ‘The Ghost Exists and So Do I’. My existence and non-binary identity is questioned daily so I embody a character that understands what it’s like to not be believed- the Ghost. This work is a self-portrait, performance and examination of my own feelings of being non-binary and how I am not readily accepted into this world. My work acts as a snapshot of my life as I go about my days doing my normal activities yet you get to see my inner feelings come out as the Ghost. The Ghost allows me to hide away from the hate by hiding who I am and allowing me to just exist. The Ghost helps me get through the day.
“To those who deny who I am, being non-binary is real. It is real because I feel it. It’s real because it’s who I am.”
The Ghost is a part of me, being under the sheet is how I keep going. It may hide me away but it’s also a comfort blanket.
The Ghost has become so much more than just a character or just a sheet over my head, it’s become my friend, my security. It represents a significant, and for the most part, positive change in my life. It represents milestones, both physical and emotional. I came out to my family through this work (a risky move I know, but they were so supportive). But I can’t go on like this forever, being non-binary is something that I should be proud of and should be able to express freely. The Ghost means so much to me but one day I will have the confidence to take the sheet off, one day I hope I will finally be happy with my gender, one day I will no longer need the Ghost.
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